Thursday, September 1, 2016

Chapter 46 (9/1/16)

Ryan was in town, and agreed to let me come over.  I didn’t bother changing out of the leggings I wore on the plane, or putting on any makeup.  I didn’t need to look good for this.  I was incredibly anxious on my drive over but I kept thinking about what Jamie had told me. 
The door opened before I even turned my car off.  Ryan let me in, wearing only a pair of basketball shorts.  “Will you put a shirt on, please?” I asked.  I didn’t want to be distracted by his bare torso.  As it was, I could barely keep my eyes on his face.  He looked confused but walked over to the couch and picked up a shirt and pulled it over his head.  It looked like he had been in the middle of folding laundry.  I stared at the pile of laundry as I waited for him.
“Do you want to come sit?” he asked me.  I nodded and stepped into the living room.  Ryan sat down on the couch and I sat in the armchair in the corner.  “This doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a positive conversation,” Ryan said lightly.
“It depends on how you look at it,” I replied weakly.  I cleared my throat and swallowed hard and then said, “Look, this was really fun.  Too fun, because this ended up going places I wasn’t really ready for it to go.”  I paused and took a deep breath and said, “I’m not able to the no-strings thing anymore, Ryan.” 
Ryan didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever.  Then, tentatively, he said, “Okay, well, what if there were strings?”
I started to narrow my eyes and heard Jamie’s voice echoing in my head, telling me to be nice.  “What do you mean?” I asked, even though I was sure I already knew what he meant.
Instead of answering, he asked, “Are you seeing or sleeping with anyone else?”
“Not at this point, no,” I replied. 
“Neither am I,” he said.  “So what if we did that thing where people agree that they’re not going to see or sleep with other people?  And maybe you could let me take you on a real date.” 
He wasn’t even done talking when I started shaking my head.  “No,” I said, practically interrupting him.  “No, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” he asked gently.
“Ryan, I can’t do this,” I told him.  “I’m sorry.  I’m just not ready.” 
Ryan frowned slightly, his forehead wrinkling.  “What are you worried about?” he asked.  It was an innocent question; he was trying to understand where I was coming from, but it made me angry.  I didn’t want to have to explain myself, and I shouldn’t have to explain myself. 
“I’m not worried about anything,” I said, fighting to keep my frustration out of my voice.  Jamie was right, I could be mean sometimes and Ryan didn’t deserve it.  “I mean, I’m worried about a lot of things, but nothing specific to you. I’m not ready to put myself back in a position where I could get hurt again.  And it’s not fair to you.”
He smiled sadly.  “I get that, but it’s not for you to decide what’s fair to me.  If you’re not ready, I respect that.  But own it, don’t act like you’re being noble and protecting me.” 
I stared at him.  “Being noble?  Protecting you?  Are you kidding me?”
“I don’t want to fight with you, Jenna,” he replied, which served no purpose but to anger me further. 
“Then why would you say something like that?”
Ryan was now getting frustrated.  “Because I’m not interested in you pretending like you’re doing this for my benefit.  Your decision, which I am trying really hard to respect even though it sucks for me, has nothing to do with being fair to me, and everything to do with protecting yourself from all the potential ways you think I could break your heart.  And I understand why you’re scared, I really do.  I’ve got shitty relationships in my past too.  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck for you to put me on the same level as him.”
At this point my mouth was hanging open.  “Put you on the same level as him?  I absolutely have not!” I exclaimed.  “If I thought you were on the same level as him, I never would have slept with you, and we certainly wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
“You slept with him though,” Ryan said, pushing the dagger in all the way.  “Hell, you married him.”
Angry tears sprung to my eyes before he even finished his sentence.  “You motherfucker,” I muttered.  “I thought I fought dirty.”  I stood up and moved towards the door, determined to get out of his house before my tears spilled over. 
“Jenna,” Ryan said, and I heard him get up to follow me.  “Fuck, I’m sorry.  That was shitty, just wait a second.”
“No!” I said, not even turning around.  “You don’t get to say something like that to me and then make me ‘wait a second.’  And don’t you even fucking try to stop me from leaving this house, Ryan!”  I was glad I hadn’t taken off my shoes and could go straight out the door.
“Jenna, please,” Ryan said.  “I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” I shot back, finally turning around and looking at him.  “I’m sorry I came here.”  I yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it closed behind me.  I practically ran to my car, got in, turned it on, put it in reverse and floored it out of Ryan’s driveway. 
I made it 3 blocks before I had to pull over.  I dropped my forehead onto the steering wheel and sobbed, twisting my shirt in my hands as I cried.  I was so angry and hurt.  I was shocked that something like that would even come out of his mouth.  It was such a manipulative and cold thing to say, which wasn’t at all like him.  I think the shock was worse than the hurt. 
I got myself together and drove the rest of the way home.  Once I got there I got straight in bed, and exhausted from a day of traveling and crying, I fell asleep right away.

20 comments:

  1. Nooooooo! I was so excited at first. I literally did a fist pump, lol. Fix it. Please fix it. I love Ryan

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  2. Jenna is way too angry and touchy for her own good. His comment about Kevin was not mean. It was right on, and if Jenna was honest with herself, she'd see that she really got mad because Ryan was right. She's still giving Kevin power over her. I also think that she would be really sorry if she chucked Ryan out without giving things a try. I have to say that her constant anger makes her a hard character to like.

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    1. I agree completely. I don't think he said anything offensive. She did marry Kevin, so why be mad about it? I didn't get that part lol

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  3. I agree with the comment above. By saying that you're not ready to be hurt again means that you are still giving all your power to the person who hurt you. He was spot on saying she was putting them on the same level. If she truly wanted to be single, she wouldn't be dating. She gets angry at the most ridiculous things, and needs to sort through her anger issues before she'll be able to move on.

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  4. Why Jenna?! Whyyyyyy 😩

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  5. I REALLY want to like her but jeez, come on. I don't think he said anything wrong, she just doesn't want to hear anything that doesn't agree with what she is saying or thinking at the time. You're blowing it, chica! mum

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  6. Whyyyyyy 😭😭😭😭 Jenna needs to smarten up lol

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  7. Awww I really like Ryan. He sounded so hurt. I feel like Jenna was being a bit sensitive- he wasn't being manipulative he was just trying to make a point.

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  8. I'm finally agreeing with all the other readers. Jenna IS annoying but that just goes to show how awesome the writer is as she makes us feel thones about a fictional person. Love the story, now tell Jenna to get the stick out her aas

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  9. Man, he was spot on with everything he said. She needs someone in her life who will tell it to her straight, because it seems that every time she hears something she doesn't like, she lashes out, shuts down, or hides. Jenna needs a therapist, pronto. She married a man she KNEW cheated on her and expected a leopard to change its spots. She owns NONE of what she's experienced, although she made decisions that put her exactly where she is today. I'm not even sure what she could do at this point to right this situation and make me start to like her. Can you start a blog about just Ryan? ;-)

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    1. Agree that she needs a therapist!! Part of the healing process is accepting responsibility for your part in the relationship. She allowed Kevin to treat her badly and until she takes responsibility instead of acting helpless she's going to keep being afraid of getting hurt. It wasn't until I accepted responsibility for staying in an abusive relationship that I was able to end it and let go all my anger towards my ex. It is SO much more empowering to accept responsibility, but it is very hard to do, especially when someone treats you badly.

      I think part of the reason Jenna annoys me (but I LOVE the writing, and the blog!!) is that she acts helpless and actually pretty self centered. I mean, calling Kevin over because she had problems with her water heater? LOL... that's what Google and YouTube are for! And she is soooooo afraid of Ryan hurting her, but she literally goes right too him after having a sexcation with Jamie and tells him she isn't sleeping with anyone else. I get that she wasn't planning on sleeping with Jamie again, but I think it wasn't very honest of her to say that there wasn't anyone else, because she JUST had sex with Jamie!!! LOL

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  10. This just solidified my disdain for Jenna. I hope she is not based on an actual person. She is extremely sensitive and irrational and Ryan deserves and can do much better. I agree that you are an amazing writer that you can make us dislike a figment of your imagination! Can you please close the Jenna story line and write about Ryan?

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  11. So....... is it just me or does anybody else feel like Jenna GROSSLY overreacted!?! WTF, Jenna. I've never been through a divorce, so maybe I just don't "get it" - but seriously????? That was as close to an adult temper tantrum I've ever seen. Yikes. I like Ryan a lot, and I am proud of his character for opening up like he did, because I am sure that was extremely hard for him too. It's not all about Jenna.

    Hopefully this doesn't get dragged out for weeks. They need to squash this before too much time passes.

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  12. I do NOT find Jenna annoying thought I do find the people who say that to be, however, she tries so hard to act tough and yet is coming across and a scared little girl. Life is short and the true test of strength is putting yourself back in there and try again. Just my thought and I truly do like this blog a lot. Very unique.
    Kelly

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  13. Longtime lurker; first time commenting. Jenna needs more self healing for sure but sometimes you can't plan timing. She needs to realize she can be vulnerable again - I agree with above where Kevin wins every time she is closed off. I am crossing my fingers for weekend bonus bc I need to know what happens!!' Would be lying if I didn't want Ryan to surprise her and make her realize they need to have strings :)

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  14. To Olivia - I've said it before and I'll say it again, the fact that I find Jenna annoying is a testament to the quality of your writing and not a personal bash against you as the author. If some of your commenters find me "annoying" for being invested in your story and being frustrated with the character, so be it. mum

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    1. I'm with you, girl. Disliking Jenna is actually a testament to the spectacular writing and not a personal bash against the author!

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  15. Yes this is no personal bash to you Olivia! Your writing is so amazing, you make us feel such great emotion to your characters. Perhaps Liv needs to be Jenna's therapist. Lol

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    1. YES Liv should be her therapist!!!

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  16. UGH! I get it now why all the other commenters want to shake some sense into her!!! She shouldn't have gone over there after a long day of traveling anyway, but she needs an attitude check!

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